Masculinity is fetichized and demonized. Portrayed as the ultimate ideal and the bane of civilization. Physical strength is masculine, but there are women deadlifting twice your body weight. It might be having a beard, except for all the hairless men. Perhaps it’s having a penis, but there’s a trans woman packing twice as much as you and a very manly trans man without one. Many say Masculinity is facing a crisis.
On one hand we have cis men taking steroids and working out for 10 hours a week in order to transition into “Real Men”. On the other, countless workshops, men’s groups, festivals dedicated to exploring (positive, new, queer) masculinities. But what is Masculinity in this era of genderfuck?
We renounce it and reclaim it. We subvert it, reinvent it and remix it. The word is thrown around, unrooted of all meaning at this point. If we’re inhabiting these spaces it’s important we explore these ideas. Before we try to redefine it, let’s just define it.
Masculinity comes from a way of seeing the world in opposites that compliment and define each other. Much like yin and yang, masculinity cannot exist without femininity. The poles define opposing forces —in and out, feeling and action— and notions of sex and gender are built upon them.
Before we continue I’ll ask you to pause for a moment. Try to take in and visualize the following concepts, try to build them in your mind; reflect on the role they play in your life and how they relate to one another:
Male
Rigid
Spending energy
Acting
Shallow
Clear
Simple
Acting
Certainty
Giving
Peak
Female
Fluid
Restoring energy
Waiting
Deep
Murky
Complex
Feeling
Exploration
Receiving
Valley
Did you feel it? If you did, continue. If not, take a little bit more time, there’s no rush.
We are not concepts. We are living, breathing human beings. It is impossible for us to inhabit only one half of experience. Life implies movement, only lifeless things are stagnant. Life is that movement itself. We breathe in and out, and in again. We take in the path before we walk it. We do and then we rest.
Society associates body parts, colors and personality traits to these energies. And sure, some people are more naturally aligned to one side or another, but we all inhabit both in different aspects of our lives every second of every day.
Having a penis or being hairy is only one small aspect of lived experience, one many seem to obsess about. The truth is we live better lives when we value the importance of both sides. We communicate better when we listen before we speak. We make better decisions after we’ve explored the possibilities and nuances. We understand ourselves better after we’ve gone into our depths and seen our blurry, hazy parts.
And we love better, so much better, when we dance between opposites. The Bator community is a great example of this: we hold space for each and listen deeply, we edge and are edged, we cum together and then we hang out. Purely male sexuality is simple: grab what you want, shove it in, unload. But,
edging is a dance of peaks and valleys. Holding space for yourself, always feeling where you are. You go hard and climb pleasure, then sink deep to receive it with every inch of your body. You push it a bit further, it’s almost unbearable; then let yourself feel it even stronger. It shakes your body like electricity. You build it up, through deepening trenches and higher peaks, until like an eruption, you explode so violently your body shakes out of control as you experience an orgasm so long and so powerful that you float in it, shine in it for minutes, hours, even days.
Life and Energy is born from movement and friction. It is no coincidence that nearly all cultures and mythologies represent the most sacred, not as agendered, but containing both genders at once. What is stopping us from learning these lessons?
Footnotes
I’d like to specially thank all the friends, lovers and lovely strangers who engaged in conversations with me to share and discuss their understanding of gender.
I’d like to specially single out Sergio del Boccio, who sat down with me after a beautiful show and shared his insights. It really lit the way into my current understanding. His music (his magic, what a presence!) is incredible too, try to see him live. Check out on IG @sergiodelboccio or his linktree.